I'm Done

     Most of the last decade I've heard again and again that guys don't want to marry a girl who is sitting around at home waiting for him to come carry her off (ironically these same guys then asked "where are all the homemakers?" once we got up, got jobs and were actually doing something with our lives, but that's another topic for another day). So I didn't sit around and wait. Since finishing high school I've had two jobs, the second of which led to me being self-employed. I may not be rich but I support myself and live a good life.
    Now I feel led to make some changes in my life, changes that will drastically alter the course of my life. And yet I'm holding back. There are various reasons, fear of change being the most prominent. But as I've considered my options I came face to face with another reason that I hadn't really expected, one that, if I look at things honestly, I can see influencing most of the important decisions I've made in the last few years: my wish to be married.
     It's what I've always believed God wants me to do: get married and raise a family with my husband. I've envisioned a life working along side my husband, serving God in whatever area he has called us. A life out away from the hustle of city life, where our children can play and work in the great outdoors, where we can live relatively self-sufficiently (another dream: growing most if not all of the produce my family needs). And so I've made decisions that, I thought, would help prepare me for that life. Even my career is one that I chose because it is something I can do from home, allowing me to raise my children as I believe God would have me raise them, and yet still be able to contribute to the family monetarily. I still want that life and, Lord willing, someday that will be me. But in the meantime I'm done waiting.
   People talk about having the urge to spread their wings and go to new places, try new things. Somehow that is one thing I've always managed to quell inside me, whether because of lack of funds, time, or whatever. But this time I don't think I can. With certain changes in process I'm about to find myself in a completely different position. So maybe I will. Maybe I will spread my wings and fly. Be the adventurer I never thought I was. Find someplace inspiring and let my designing dreams blossom. I'm done being stuck in one place, working day in and day out at a job that isn't taking me any close to my goals in life.
   But more than that, I'm done making decisions based on that never-ending world of "what ifs" related to my love life. From now on I'm living life to the fullest. I'll serve God wherever and whenever he calls me, whether that be here in my hometown where I've always been or somewhere miles away. We as Christians are called to live fearlessly, to not worry. I think it's high time I see what it's like to do that completely. I would rather live the rest of my life alone and serving God than wait around doing nothing of lasting importance because I'm afraid if I change anything my future husband won't be able to find me (or will take one look and run because I'm not sitting at home waiting for him).